i dont know what to think

I've been wanting to write to you, to say something....
 I have no feelings left to enjoy. The things that make me happy are all so far away from being something i can do when ever , to being something I wish i had time to do.  I can't even cry to get over anything anymore. It wont matter. I have a huge amount of emotional... i dont know what.  I want to say those words and hear them back in the same .  I want to feel like I have a family ; or have some one to care for. I have no love... I just work , eat, and sleep. and stare blankly into this screen. I miss conversation and being touched. Just a hug.  I dont have a room, a bed, or even a desk.. just my friends couch who's apartment allows me more of a home feeling than I have with my own family.

The only part of my self pity I cant get rid of is all of my rejections.  Courtney, Angel, Meghan, Emma, Jackie, Mallory, Anna.  Only ONE of them ever loved me the same way at the same time as I loved them ...and she's an interesting mess her self now.

I just want to see the next 78 days gone and me getting on the plane to Illinois for boot camp.
Im just waiting in limbo here for my life to start.
I'd take her back if I had a chance just because I dont want to be alone. I know a lot about all of them.. except for Anna who I just can't get anywhere near. Its not easy getting to know someone who has a boyfriend barrier from Idaho.

Get me out of here

I Want to be social , but I want a real chance to get to decide so. Not just be social because my roommates woke up and I live on the couch so im in the way. I would love to wake up in my room and bed and get up get dressed while behind the privacy of my own bed. I understand homeless people a little more. Not having a bed is really detrimental to your self confidence. it's like .. oh no one wants you here... I' cAnt bargain for this to get better because it's just not going to. Some human physical attention would be nice . I won't find love in 90 days but anything would be good for me.
Not a hooker ... at least not one I was aware of. Maybe to just feel like I was part of my own family ...

what I have in my head.

confidence .
control
solace
regret

rebuild

I feel homeless. or just almost there. not quite alive or dead or together or alone. I don't have time for people who need me or time or space for myself. I do want someone to care for , to love . I've just picked the wrong ones to try with. and I keep going back to them. the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. every girl I'm with is a repeat. I think I'm going to tar , feather and burn these bridges. I cared a lot about all of you. my life has had interesting and stupid circumstances to my everyday life. none that I have really chosen.

i don't know that it will ever be the same but I have to make myself sane.

great birthday weekend

LISA

i joke, you laugh I smile you sigh
I kiss you you smile I hold you
last night i just shouldn't have told you about the people that had no effect on anything about us.
Before there is an US.
I can't take you with me
You cant hold me through this story I'm living
and who knows if you're in the next chapter at all.
I just want to read through it and make what we've got something to remember
to hold on to as a memory that makes you feel like its happening all over again.

4days wasn't enough. 

downtown wating

I wait and wait and think and dream but easy is hidden behind time and experience